There have been times more typical than not when I have woken up from my slumber with a deep seated anxiety or fear or gut wrenching sadness over what I lost and experienced. I’d wake up in a panic attack and in agony over the fact that I was cheated on, that I was ridiculed, humiliated, discarded and abandoned. I would be in complete and total agony that my son would grow up in a broken family. That the idealistic nuclear family that I envisioned in my life and my future would not come to pass. The hard truth to swallow that the person that I had loved and created life with would never feel the tremendous loss that I felt. No experience in my life has compared to the trauma that which I experienced. Noone can tell me that it was “not that bad”, that it was “meant to be”, that everything happens for a reason. You see, God’s will for our lives did not entail suffering. That was something brought on to society by sin. By our own fallen human nature. Though I could go on this subject for a time being I won’t but will say that what the devil sets out to be your destruction God can use to be your deliverance. Nevertheless, this gut wrenching loss and despairity would wake me up at night in turmoil, conflicted that I could not go on because I was not living my truth. I don’t wish this on anyone. They say time heals all wounds, however that simply is not the truth. Only God heals all wounds. Time is simply a state of reference for the afflicted. As I mentioned in a previous post healing requires that we surcumb and surrender to the suffering. That we allow and permit our selves to feel the emotions and work through them in a healthy productive and progressive manner. This will vary among our population as we are all unique individuals affected in different manners. Tonight/today as I type this while laying under my micro suade blanket on my plush queen sized bed I contemplate the various emotions flowing throughout my being. And for once they are feelings of excitement, hope and change. It’s the adrenal rush of the prospective of a new future, a fresh start, a new beginning that has me up at the wee hours of dawn. It’s a new relationship that I am building within myself and with God that gives me peace; knowing that if I surrender and surrender my circumstances, challenges, hangups and anguish in his hands that he will take control. There’s peace in knowing that all my wrongs can be vindicated if I turn them over to God and ask for his love and mercy to work through them. It’s a trust in knowing that there can be cleansing from the people I have hurt and those that have hurt me, if I put my life in the hands of the one that has all the power and if I offer up these hangups to my creator. You see, there’s nothing that is off hands for God. Nothing at all. Our fallen human nature may cause us to sin, to hurt others whether intentionally or unintentionally and to negatively afflict others but our trust in God and our prayers can transform the bondages of suffering that we create and those that are bestowed upon us. What I can’t tell another human being or can’t correct on my own I can invite God into and allow the Holy Spirit to work in. The same is true for you. Nothing you have gone through is too challenging or too far out of God’s reach for him to work on. The challenge is getting out of your own way and letting God be God. This won’t happen at once. You have to decide daily, hourly perhaps even minute to minute that you’re going to trust God and that whatever mess you’re in or experiencing that you will let him work through it with you. This is not easy but it’s necessary. It’s the only way to break chains and move forward.
It’s ludicrous that too many people depend on their own merits and strengths and efforts to save themselves. Being proactive is by all means supported, encouraged and necessary but we can’t rely on our own efforts to save ourselves. We can’t look inward to determine how life should be handled or what will be because we can only see in our limited vision which is why we need God because he sees in his infinite and eternal vision. We think we know what is best for ourselves but the bible warns us that some paths may appear to lead to righteousness but will in fact lead to death.
So as I lay here in the wee hours of dawn I bask and savor in this peace. The peace that God hears our prayers, that our suffering is not in vain and that there is hope for new beginnings. We don’t know what those new beginnings entail but it’s safe to say that the journey we are on, the suffering, pains, torments, joys, highs, lows and accomplishments can all serve a greater purpose if we give them all to God. The adrenal rush that woke me up out of my sleep tonight was not one of fear and despair as was typical for the past 2.5 yrs of my anguish but was an adrenal of hope. Hope for a new journey, hope for creating new memories with my children, hope for cultivating my love of traveling and igniting my passion of writing and hope for aspiring to inspire others through my life, experiences, thoughts and beliefs. It’s the hope to live my life with purpose and intention and to remind myself and all of you that we were created on purpose and for a purpose and that purpose is love. Love of ourselves, our children, family, friends, neighbors,God and even love for our enemies. Prayers up. Blessings xoxo