It was a cold Spring morning. I tied up the laces to my cross trainers and grabbed my black zip up track jacket and headed for the trails. It was time to get momentum going. Time to feel the crunch of decomposing leaves under my feet. Time to dig my heels into the soil of the Earth. Time to release this bottled up anger that was growing inside of me. Anger. I had finally made it here. Finally to my point of new emotion, of new energy. Finally reached the point of new found strength and resiliency. Thank you anger for showing up to my life. Thank you anger for finally arriving. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
I had been waiting far too long to get angry. I had gone through the depression stage, the anguish stage, the bitterness stage, the jealousy stage and finally I had made it to anger. Am I crazy for being happy to have finally arrived at anger? No. I am proud. I am strong. I am assertive. I am. I am that I am. (Exodus 3:14)
God, you tell us anger is not good. When Jesus carried that cross for me and my sins while being mocked and spat on and tortured he did so with love. Ugh. The realization… I have so much further to go.
But I’m happy I’m angry and I’ll tell you why. Depression almost killed me. Depression caused me to cry out in anguish day in and day out. Depression grew into paralytical fear. I felt unworthy. I felt like a piece of used chewing gum spat out on the side of the road trampled by on- goers. I felt that feces had more worth than I did. I did. I was programmed to see myself as such. I had lost all sense of self and self worth, self esteem and self respect. I turned a blind eye to abuse, toxicity and disrespect. I let myself down. I let myself down. Honestly that was the most difficult aspect of all. I let myself down. And well, depression made me stagnant. But anger, well anger has given me momentum. Anger is action. Anger is fighting for my life.
It’s the loud thuds from my soles as I climb up this mountain. It is the palpitations of my heart beating…asking for more. It is the strength of my hamstrings and quads kicking and fighting. It is the boxing gloves as I beat this out of me. It is me fighting for my life, fighting for my strength, fighting for my dignity and self respect. It is me fighting for the me that did not and would not fight back. I am fighting to prove to her that she can trust me now. That I am strong. That I am wise. That I am capable. This anger. Let it be a catalyst.
So while tears do clean the soul I do believe that the season of too many tears is behind now. And anger can be utilized in a positive manner. I am not looking back with regret or fear and if I do because of my human condition I will revert my eyes to look forward to the Eucharist. I will acknowledge that I have far to go on this journey and in humility but I will give this anger to God and ask Him to lead me in it, through it and with it. I will ask God to utilize these newfound emotions as a tool in the spiritual attacks on my life and I will trust in Him. I will not allow fear to paralyze, or the unknown, or the what ifs. I will read on His word over and over and over again until I get it through to my head that all works out for those who love Him (Romans 8:28). That if He is with me then who can be against me (Romans 8:21). That He has plans for me (Jeremiah 39:11). That I need only to be still (Psalm 46:10). That He has my back. (Deuteronomy 31:6)
And so this anger is not a consumeratory anger. Though in honesty give me the time, person and place and that can be debated. Rather this anger is momentum. It is an emotion, a gift, a tool that I offer up to God as a new stage. Welcome to the next stage Channel. The new version. Because at the very least this anger is awakening. It is the founding of dignity, strength and respect and this anger… well this anger… it’s not depression.