I have come to the conclusion, have learned and am learning that there is nothing I can do outside of God. I just can’t. I have no strength. I have no peace. I have no ability. Outside of God I have nothing. But God says to me “Channel, I am your strength. I bring you peace. You can do all things through Christ who strengthens you.” I have to remain focused. On my knees crying out to the Lord. “Lord, save me, rescue me, redeem me because I need you. I am nothing without you. For I am weak but you are my strength. I am empty but you fill me with the Holy Spirit. For I am not capable to overcome this battle but yet you have led me here and you have told me that the battle is your’s.”
My heart is pounding. Those words of prophecy spoken over my life many, many, many years ago, is it now time that I am seeing them unfold? Being told ” the Lord is going to consider something you have asked of Him but you need to keep your eyes on Him. Focus your eyes on the cross.” But what had I asked at that moment, during that time? I called out for healing, for restoration and to serve Him. “Keep your eyes on the cross” the preacher said to me. But what does that mean? What shall I do?
This is me now, learning, growing and being tested. We mature in this walk by our tests. Will we pass? Will we fail? Even when we fail God will use it to teach us and prune us and develop us. An “uh huh” moment I learned this week. Something so delicate and sensitive brought to me and I failed. I subliminally released it into the world and followed the voice not of God but of the world. A voice that said “this is how to be strong by doing this, by growing your strength.” “Remember what you have been through.” “Remember and recover.” “Remember the pain and be strong.” And so I promoted that notion. “I will remember and recover not forgive and forget”.
He intervened and said “I am your God.” “Is that notion you lingered over and promoted not the voice of the devil?” “Would you like if I looked upon you with the same eyes, with the same weighs of judgement?” “Is this how I have called you to be?” “Is this how you serve me?”
I had failed. Immediately feeling the sadness and regret of following that worldly voice, the worldly outlook. I had failed myself but most importantly, I had failed my God. I retracted what I promoted. I retracted it from my own personal public voice and retracted it from my heart. I was wrong and my God expected more from me. And while the enemy began attacking my thoughts and feeding me lies and the such I started hearing the voice of God interrupting those thoughts. Scripture began cutting those thoughts as though the words of God themselves were a sword. How amazing God is!! And in my heart and in my mind I heard “Be still and know that I am God”.
I had asked God that day many, many, many years ago that I wanted to serve Him. That I wanted to be full of the Holy Spirit and lead others and preach just as those that were called to God were doing. I had words of prophecy spoken over me and knew God had called me to work for Him and for His kingdom and here I was living with hate and vengeance and ungodliness in my heart. And so yes I failed him. But more than failing He showed me how much He loved me and that He was working on my behalf and was in actuality always there for me as He had always been. I learned a very big lesson through this reaction of mine. I learned to run to Him first, in the good and in the bad. To go to Him first because He could work it all out. I learned to be still, to pause and pray before reacting, to praise and worship and glorify Him because He is ever deserving of it. And finally I learned to just be and to “look to the cross”.