I am despised. I am met with sarcasm, anger, wrath and a mean spirit. I am told that I am a “headache, drama, that I think I am better than others, that I am dumb” and so much more. I am told these things by someone who I have extreme limited contact with, someone whom I personally never reach out to, try to avoid as much possible communication with, someone I deliberately tell myself to not interact with. We were acquaintances turned into friends, then into lovers, relationship, family. Now it seems like enemies on a battlefield.
Last month I made the most difficult decision of my life. I chose to forgive someone who traumatized me so badly, someone who devastated my inner core, tore me down and shattered me apart. Prior to this experience and the demise of the relationship I never believed a person could have such a profound negative effect on another. I never truly believed that one individual could wreak so much havoc into another persons life. I learned.
I decided to forgive because it was a decision I had to make for myself. I decided to forgive because I was being held captive in my sentiments of despair and anguish and the only one suffering was myself. I decided to forgive because God called me to it, because through this God’s strength is revealed in my weakness. I know that I myself am not capable of forgiving this person. Only through God am I able to.
I gave it to my spiritual mother. I gave it to my Savior. I told them I was deciding to forgive but that I could only do so if each of them aided me by each holding my hand and carrying this burden with me. I chose to stop hurting myself over the tragic experiences that the said individual could care less about. I chose to no longer give importance in my anguish to the individual. I now choose to no longer ask God “why”. I now choose to trust God in leading me away and into a new path.
It’s too common nowadays to see individuals become friends and lovers, create life and then become enemies. It’s sad is what it is. Children become victims. Victims of their parent’s selfishness, tempers and lack of maturity.
My story is one of the same (probably to be met with backlash or opinions of individuals who choose to read my post and give commentary without even knowing me or my life). I write about these experiences to educate others on toxic personalities, abusive relationships and the complexity of dealing with a narcissist and all it entails.
My son will turn five years old this month and has asked me on occasion why his father doesn’t live with him. I choose to tell my son the truth. I tell him because that was what his father decided. My son asks me about the child that his father had with the woman that he walked out for. I choose to tell my son the truth. I tell him I do not know the child, the child’s name or anything about the child because that child is not in our family. That is the best way I am able to answer my son. That is the truth. The problem is that it is also an absurd and unhealthy way to raise a child. A child who is coming to an age of comprehension and understanding and curiosity who is met with answers that don’t satisfy his need to know and then I wonder does he really need to know? I mean what will it benefit him?
My son has two older half siblings that I was once much involved with, whom my son knows that he never sees now because his father chooses not to bring them to visit with my son. If he doesn’t see the siblings that he knows then why the need to know about another child that came after him that he will never see nor will know given the strict boundaries I have placed and circumstances regarding my son’s visitation and court order? I believe that the problem is in how it is addressed. It is a lack of maturity and irresponsibility for the paternal parent to give information to a child who then goes to process the information with the maternal parent and the maternal parent is unable to answer the child’s questions because the paternal parent chooses not to inform the maternal parent. “Where does my dad live”? “Why does he live with that baby and not with me”? “What is the baby’s name”? He asks.
” I don’t know papi” I tell him. “I don’t know anything about your dad or his life. He is not in our life. He is not in my family”. That is the best way for me to respond.
I never experienced this kind of sadness of a broken family. My daughter’s father and I have decent communication. We try to interact civilly and honestly and respectfully. Is it perfect? No. We have our moments of meeting challenges in co-parenting but we do that, we co-parent as best as we are able to. Could he do more? Sure. There is always room for improvement but the little that he does do is met with a civil respect and dialogue.
Foolishness is thinking that we may have the same with a person who has abused us in the past. Foolishness is thinking that perhaps in the future the narcissistic personality individual will mature in regards to the circumstances and engage in a healthy and mature manner.
My son is turning five years old. For the past year and a half that I completely disengaged myself and set up strict boundaries it still has not mattered. The communication when encountered is met with anger and lack of respect. The care and concern is obsolete. The circumstances volatile.
What I have learned aside from blocking all communication with the exception of visitation confirmation and actual visitation is that even in those few moments of engagement the narcissist will regress to who they have always been towards you and treat you as such. “Only when I deal with you am I miserable”, “Only with you do I have to be like this” is what I was told at our last encounter. It was also what I was told for many years prior to, during and after the arrival of my son. The trigger for his anger towards me… I was driving a new car, an SUV that I had had that only now that I registered (which he thought a concern of his to want to know when I purchased it). “Only when I deal with you am I miserable” I am told. His anger coming through and yet the trigger…. he was looking at my SUV to argue that it was an unsafe vehicle for “his son” to be in. An SUV that he claimed needed new brakes, when I witnessed and participated in my new brakes being put in just a week ago. “The brakes are fine” I responded. Fury overcame his persona. ” If you don’t like my brake job then give me money to have them done over” I replied. “That’s your car you want to blow money on a car, you fix it” he shot back.
You see it wasn’t about the safety of my son driving in my new car. “If you are concerned about the safety of “your son” then you would help to have them done over so his safety wouldn’t be a concern” I had stated before leaving the vicinity. It wasn’t about safety. The SUV had just passed inspection and was registered, insured and safe to drive. It was simply about the fact that I had something new and better than he had seen me in as of most recent. It was simply because he saw me slightly improve for the better. That’s all it takes. I experienced the same when obtaining my bachelors degree when I was told I was “on my high horse thinking I was better than others because I had a degree”. I was told I would never get a good job even with my degree and then once I secured employment with the government was then told that I thought I was “perfect” and that “not everyone can be perfect like you” once I obtained my masters degree. Even on my most recent trip to Bermuda I was initially told ” eeewww why would you want to go there”.
Everything I do is an issue. The fact that I have very, very, very limited communication, that this individual knows nothing of me nor my life nor talks to me means nothing. In his response I make him miserable. “I careless” he responses when I tell him he knows nothing about me or my life or talks to me. It’s sad to have created life with an individual who is so cold hearted and just meets your existence with such negativity. Sad, that just a week ago I considered maybe giving him the opportunity to be more involved and have better communication just so he could call my son on my son’s birthday or attend my son’s preschool graduation or kindergarten orientation. He reminded me why what I do and how I handle his visitation rights is in the best interest of myself and my child. He reminded me of all the opportunities I had given him in the past and how he threw each opportunity out without a care. He reminded me why he is not able to be involved in more than just visitation. Does my son deserve a better relationship? Absolutely. I should be able to answer my son when he comes to me with questions regarding his father and decisions he has made elsewhere. I should be able to communicate regarding life changes that directly or indirectly affect my son regarding circumstances, education, health, finances, activities, etc . I should be able to do so but unfortunately because of how this person views me and mistreats me it will not happen.
In cases like these it is best to deal with visitation as the court order advises and then be done until it is time for the next visit. It is best for the custodial parent to be healthy emotionally, mentally, spiritually and physically for their child. If that means not being able to attempt to co-parent because the other parent is volatile towards the other then that is what is in the best interest of the child so that the child has at least one full time healthy and stable parent rather than one who is beat down by the words and actions of the parent who “cares less”.
It’s not normal. It’s not healthy. It’s not okay. It’s sad. It’s broken. It’s upsetting. It’s not what God wanted. But I know this, if my mere existence makes someone miserable, if any and everything I do is met with criticism and commentary and if I have no helping hand but by the grace of God then I do not want that or those individual(s) in my life or my children’s lives. I decide to forgive but I also decide what I will and will not accept and be tolerant of.
If the narcissist treats others well and you like crap that is all you need to focus on. That is all you need to know. That is enough to say “Thank you God because you knew I couldn’t live my life day in and day out being beat down at the hands of someone who was a friend, turned lover, relationship, enemy and now sadly someone who I created life with whom I must have never truly known.
We can’t change the way individuals see us or treat us. That is a reflection of their own. What we can change is what we choose to accept and tolerate and to pray. To pray for the salvation of their broken soul.