Fear

“You worry a lot” the older gentleman had told me months ago as he prayed over me.

My graze met his “yes” I replied although I was pretty certain I didn’t worry “a lot”. I worry the normal amount any adult in my position would worry. I worry about my kids’ well being. I worry if I’m being a “good enough” mother. I worry if I will have enough money when the bills need to be paid or when clothes needs to be bought or sports need to be reserved. Normal worrying I was certain.

It want until another man month later would ask me “what are you afraid of?” “You have wings to fly but you have them clipped.”

What was I afraid of? Taking risk in life, making changes, going a different direction it all brings uncertainty. It’s all anxiety provoking. I’ve been playing it safe. I tell myself it’s vital for me to play it safe for the well being and interest of my children. It’s safer to rent a house rather than buy a house because if the boiler goes then I know the landlord needs to replace it rather than me needing to have funds to fix it. It’s safer to work for the state as a social worker than to change my career because it provides job security and stability than if I venture out. It’s safer to save money for that emergency that is bound to occur than to book a spontaneous trip to Miami or to Punta Cana. It’s safer. “You’re an eagle Channel and you’re not letting yourself soar”. “You’re keeping yourself hostage in a cage. You can’t live like this anymore. You need to venture out. You need to live life” he told me.

Tears filled my eyes. He was right. I was filled with fear. Fear of the unknown. Fear of failure. Fear of risking it all. Fear of drowning. I was worried. I was fearful. I had purposely made myself stagnant by playing it safe. I had anchored myself down. I had clipped my own wings. And yet playing it safe was hurting me. I was hurting inside. Hurting to fly. Hurting to soar. Hurting to actually live life.

Why are we so fearful? Why is it that very few are the ones that take risks and risk it all to have it all? How does a single mother take the same risks and not play it safe for the sake of her children and their security?

Risking it all is so terrifying and yet more terrifying it is to remain stagnant and continue life in such a way where everyday is ordinary when we are waiting for the extraordinary and so am I ready to let go of my hesitations and reservations and throw caution to the wind? Absolutely not. I’m not, but the realization that changes need to be made and that risk even minimal ones need to be taken are now apparent to me. Honestly even my goals for 2019 are safe. “Maybe you need to dream even bigger Channel”. Ugh. I know he’s right and I know he’s calling me out. He’s calling me out by name but more importantly he is being used by someone greater than he to call me out. Three different men. Three different occasions and the message yet the same. “It’s time to grow, it’s time to grow, it’s time to use your talents”.

And so if you are reading this and needing a sign that it’s time for change then know that this message may very well be intended for you as well. Let’s do this together. Let’s face fear in the face. Let’s say yes. Let’s grow.

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