Health, warrior, fearless, these were a few words that I contemplated over the course of a handful of weeks in choosing my word of intentionality for 2019. Health, obviously because I was/am determined to have 2019 be a year of intentionally seeking out ways to implement a healthier lifestyle whether it be through the meals I prepare myself, joining the gym, taking my supplements or simply immersing myself in activities that will promote a healthier lifestyle. Health, I was/am determined to change my inner dialogue/self talk, to love myself, be kind to myself, be patient with myself. Was my word of 2019 going to be health? I was sure it was.
Only it wasn’t.
“Warrior, that will be my 2019 word of the year”, I thought to myself. Warrior, because I’ve been at war with myself and overcoming my PTSD from a past abusive relationship. Because I am strong and I will fight for myself and for my life in overcoming the mental, emotional and spiritual hardships that I have had to enface and endure through the past handful plus years. Warrior, because this year I will persevere and overcome. Because I am capable of all things through Christ who strengthens me. Warrior. I wrote it down and taped it to my monitor at my office. Warrior would be my 2019 word of the year.
But it wasn’t.
Fearless, perhaps fearless was the word. I would face my fears and call them out by name. I would stare fear right in the eye and know that God would not forsake me and that fear was a plot by the enemy but that fear would not reign over me. I would not live in fear. I would/will be transparent and free and liberated as God has freed me and liberated me and watched over me and guided me even through the valley of death. “You don’t need to live in fear anymore” he told me, speaking words of God through the Holy Spirit, the spirit of eternal life. Perhaps it should be fearless because I need to believe it and actually become fearless.
Fearless, although it would play into my year and my progression, fearless was not my word.
And so I began 2019 with minimal goals and no real sense of intentionality. Perhaps I just don’t want to aim to high. Perhaps I just don’t want to fail. Perhaps I am scared. Perhaps I’m just lazy. Maybe I am depressed. I have no real sense of purpose, connectivity or sense of direction. My fear is rooted in my past experiences and fear of abandonment, rejection, judgement and mockery. Taking note of all this I started to realize just how much more work needs to be done. Not by me but by me allowing God to work.
“Well I guess 2019, just won’t have a word” I thought to myself. Last year my words included vibrancy, alert and aware. Words that made me take accountability and use discernment, something for another day’s post.
“I need to start going to the gym” I told myself. “If I want to see real changes in my mental and emotional well being then I need to focus on my inner strength through physical stamina and endurance” I reminded myself. It had been years since I stepped foot into a gym and although I “looked” healthy and fit I certainly was far from it. If I can’t be consistent in going to the gym daily because of my responsibilities then I have to find a way to incorporate body weight and minimal equipment exercises at home but what matters most is that I do it, that I try my best and discipline myself.
I need to hold myself accountable and follow through with what I’ve told myself I would do. Regardless of how minimal the task or goal I need to follow through and develop my muscle of discipline.
“Blogging”, I told myself, “has to be on my top priorities of goals for 2019”. Blogging is my therapy, it’s my muse, my hobby, my passion. “One blog a week” I said out loud. One blog a week would be 52 posts a year. Sometimes I can do more but definitely I cannot do less. If my dream is to become a published author then I have to become disciplined in my writing.
Praying. Sometimes I can talk to God for hours and just cry and let Him love me and let Him cover me. Other times, well other times it feels like a task. Sometimes I’m not in the mood or I “remember” why I’m so hurt by God or sad that I feel forgotten or alone. Sometimes I just don’t want to and sometimes I’m too tired. “Discipline” I told myself. “If I want to grow spiritually and trust God with all my heart, mind and soul and love Him the same then I have to discipline myself to make the effort and time even if I don’t want to” I reminded myself. God knows my heart and when I’m mad or hurt I can tell Him. That is also prayer. I have to discipline myself to grow in relationship with him.
I have to discipline myself to be at the office on time meaning getting out the house fifteen minutes prior than I typically would to avoid the traffic. I need to discipline myself to follow doctor’s orders and not divulge in dairy or sugar in knowing how inflamed and sensitive I become as a result of it. I need to discipline myself to discipline my kids in a loving yet direct manner and not go back on my word when disciplining. I need to discipline myself to stop the negative self talk and not live in my emotions of the past and continually visualize the life I want for myself and my children.
Discipline, discipline, discipline. God confirmed it to me a night or two after praying. My word of intentionality for 2019 would be/is “discipline”. I would allow God to guide me and teach me all while disciplining myself in my human form as best as I was capable and allowing God to do the incapable. I would discipline myself in all aspects but step by step with His love grace and mercy. I would have to learn not to let my emotions be my guide. I would have to discipline myself every hour of every moment of everyday.
And so 2019 will be the year of discipline. I’m not sure where to go from here but I’m sure all the discipline will allow me to become the best whole, healthy, fearless, warrior self that I am able to.
What’s your word of intentionality for the year?